One out of six Americans are diagnosed with cancer. Yet when I received the diagnosis – I felt unique. Each and every cancer no matter how difficult or how easy the particular diagnosis – is unique. And each and every cancer impacts differently. Yet as I went through my own unique journey, I felt less unique and more connected to all others going through a Cancer Journey.
I felt something on urination in January of 2024. In February of 2024, a PSA test was elevated. In March of 2024, a MRI revealed a distinct cancerous growth in my prostate.
Then the search for information and where to treat became all consuming. I read books, talked to friends who had gone through prostate cancer treatment, read online and talked to providers.
Fortunately, I was able to get into the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. April of 2024 – a biopsy. Sixteen shots of a gun sound that a very experienced doctor forewarned me about resulting in sixteen different prostate tissue samples taken with information from the prior MRI assisting in the locations of the gun shots.
Diagnosis – a Gleason score of nine – meaning serious cancer that needed treatment. Cancer was also in other places in the prostate – all within the capsule with lesser scores than nine.
Due to the fact that I had one foot of my lower colon removed in January of 2010 because of serious diverticulitis combined with the Gleason nine, I was not a candidate for surgical removal of the prostate. Too much risk of infection and spread existed.
So radiation of the prostate and surrounding lymph nodes was recommended. After much discussion with numerous highly qualified and brilliant oncologists, I decided with my excellent Mayo doctor on 20 photon (as distinct from proton) radiation treatments.
Minor surgical prepatory procedures were scheduled. One, to permanently insert four carbon pieces into the prostate. These would assist the treaters in lining up the radiation. Second, to surgically place a jell between my prostate and rectum to lessen the side effects of radiation.
Then for 20 consecutive weekdays in July of 2024, I received radiation treatment. Each radiation treatment lasted about four minutes.
The preparation for the treatment took anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes for the skilled and compassionate radiation treaters to prepare me perfectly so the correct dosage and location of the treatment could begin.
The first week was relatively easy. The second week, while more difficult, was made much easier as my daughter Sonja was with me for the entire week. She could be with me during doctor visits. She was most helpful speaking to the Dr. and nurse asking direct, respectful and informed questions. She could sit in the waiting room with me, but could not enter the treatment area. Best of all she could assist me in finding decent food and she brought her joyous self, fully attentive to what I was starting to experience. I intended to come home on the weekends by driving between Rochester and Minneapolis, but by the end of the second week I could not make the drive. The side effects of frequent urination and frequent bowel movements overtook my daily and nightly existence.
In the third week of treatments, I became “disassociated” from my real self. I have been a meditator since age 23. So – a 50- year meditator. I can vividly recall about 25 years ago in meditation when I discovered my “real true spiritual self.” It was joyous. It was a knowing faith participation in the Divinity, Infinity, and Eternity that is who I AM. That experience has only grown and become more tangible and at the same time more ephemeral over the past 25 years. Of course, “IT” – this Spiritual I AM – was always present. But I needed to be on a “path” that was active, disciplined, practiced, flexible and individualized for my internal eyes to be opened. This “path” at its’ essence involves Sense Free Thinking about Thinking that REVEALS the I AM. (These concepts are fully developed on my website williamhenrymanning.com in blog post entries #10, #11, #12 from 2022 and in the content on the main website page: #14, #19 and#21). As the “disassociation” from the radiation was occurring, my most common journal entry was “Divinity never leaves – Divinity is Omnipresent.” This was comforting. I was able, when in the machine emitting radiation 360 degrees around me, to recite many of my go to meditations described in the references above.
I was most grateful for an active inner life that I brought to these treatments. Yet I was and still am confounded by the strength of radiation to attempt to disassociate me from my true self. So the entire treatment process became a meditation.
The third and fourth weeks were two of the most difficult in my life. And I have had a few medical issues, briefly discussed in Two Wonderful Touches. These weeks were a grueling physical ordeal, but the spiritual onslaught heightened the physical pain. As I write this, I am about three weeks finished with radiation treatment. The side effects are still most difficult. They are getting better only by degrees of an inch, but hope is alive.
The greatest gift in this process came from a dear friend who recommended the book “Between Two Kingdoms” by Suleika Jaouad. This book became my best friend during the third and fourth weeks. I am forever grateful for Suleika’s incredibly honest and compassionate writing. I gave away 20 copies of this book to my treaters and to my incredible doctor and nurse. No words of mine can describe how helpful Suleika’s book may be to another person on a Cancer Journey. My cancer is by no means as serious or as difficult as Suleika’s, but it is my journey, and her journey helped me enormously. I read the book twice – underlined many lines – and read it slowly hoping it would not end. Suleika was just the friend I needed.
Suleika was so honest about what was helpful and what was hurtful by friends and at times family. I had so many people say to me, “I am happy to drive you to Mayo.” Few said, “What do you need?” If they had, I would have said – food. One couple brought me meals twice. One of the meals they gave me so much that I had five more scrumptious meals from what they brought. Another friend brought two quarts of organic chicken broth that I could use to make soups or meals.
I am still in the illness recovery stage as I write this. Side effects are more numerous than I have described. But I am beginning to peek over the wall where my name will be – Cancer Survivor. Mayo tells me I have a 100 percent chance of surviving 10 years from this cancer, and a 60 to 70 percent chance of a complete cure. This is all good news. I will continue Androgen Deprivation Therapy (hormone shots to eliminate testosterone that cancer feeds on) for another 18 months. These shots produce their own unique side effects.
One reflection I would be remiss to leave out is the experience of the waiting room as 50 of us or so waited to be called for treatment each day. Some days we would chat. Some days I and others wanted to be left alone. But we established a kind of community. All different treatments going on. Some would display visible side effects as the weeks wore on. All were respectful. All clapped vigorously when someone would ring the bell indicating the last treatment – at least for a while. It helped me own – “I have a serious cancer.” All did. And these were fellow travelers on a journey.
My doctor – his nurse – and his entire team of radiation specialists were filled with love and compassion. I could let down and just cry. It was hard. I could ask all questions no matter how uninformed. I felt enveloped in love. And that was so essential to give me the strength to keep coming each day. I could be my broken self. All the staff in the waiting room who checked us in and tended to our many needs for housing, food or water were absolutely superb. They were and are an instrumental part of the love and compassion. GRATITUDE — HEALING